What to do with a bully in your troop.

This is the story of a bully in my troop and the ineffectual advice given by my council. I am writing this in hopes that if you have to deal with this in your own troop, you will know that you are not alone.

In this day in age, the word bully gets used a lot and it tends to be the catch word for anytime a child is picking on another child. This generation's buzz word. A lot of times, it is just the same picking on and name calling that we have all lived through. This time it is not simple kids stuff.

This one child in my troop stopped coming. We will call her A. It was odd, because she always seemed to have such a good time. She had joined our troop with her friend, who we will call B.

When we reached out to the parents we found out the truth in why she was not coming. B had been picking on her and A did not want to deal with it out scouts.

Then I asked the question that changed our troop, "Well what is going on?"

Turns out, this hasn't been going on for a few days or weeks, but has been ongoing for years! At a certain point, A forgave B and tried to be her friend, but then B got super possessive.

We had seen this possessiveness in the beginning of the troop year when we tried to separate the girls and B got strange. She was glaring at A's partner and being very aggressive with her own partner. We had to keep saying to her that she needed to stay with the partner she had and work together. We told both parents about this and chalked it up to best friends learning to be with other kids.

After that time, each time we seperated the girls, it was less and less of a reaction. We thought that it was working out.

In February we talked about bullying and B explained to us all that she used to bully A and that she asked for forgiveness and now they were friends. We thought that this was a huge step that she was taking responsibility for what she had done and was moving forward. We were so impressed with this that we had mentioned it when we met with our council rep. (remember how she was supposed to be trained in October, yeah she got trained in MARCH!!)

Anyway, there was ongoing issues between the girls at school and because the parents were friends, B's mom asked A's mom to just tell her when things happened instead of going to the school.

A's mom unloaded what could only be years of frustrations over this other child's behavior to her kid. I listened to her and being that my own child has dealt with this child's bad behavior I was very sympathetic. When it finally came to a boiling point, A decided she did not want to spend any extra time under B's possessiveness. I told the parent's that I understood and that we would try to talk to B and her mother and see if there was a way we could at least get A comfortable enough to come back to meetings. We promised that A would not be paired up with B. We asked that the mom drop her off right when the meeting was starting so that there was no down time where the two girls would interact with each other. We figured that we would just step in anytime B was near A and we could just make it through the year and we would find a different troop for B in September.

A agreed that if B would leave her alone and we can protect her, that she would come back to the troop. This was great news. So I sent a message to B's mom and told her that we needed to talk to her and her daughter before our meeting.

Then the mom did the most..... I still can not put it into words.... strangest thing a parent could do. She told us that she did not have time for this and that if there was a issue we could talk to B on our own and deal with the problem ourselves.

What????

You don't want to be involved in your child's life? She did something wrong and you DON'T want to be part of the solution??? I have never heard of that. Why would someone not meet with us to fix a problem. She was already dropping off the child, so why would she not have 5 minutes to spare to talk to us.

This made my co-leader so angry! I was not pleased in anyway, but I still had to talk to the girl. Beth lead the girls and I talked to B in the kitchen area of our meeting room.

The little girl listened to me and told me that she gets so angry she shakes. She cried and said that she hated when her dad and step mother yell at her. That her dad says mean things. I almost cried listening to her because it was a heartbreaking story. I told her that she needed to leave A alone. No more calls, no more yelling at her at school, to just leave her alone. I also told her that when she is mad that it is a good idea to write in a journal about what is making her feel that way, that sometimes you can write what you can not say.

B agreed and I talked to the mom a little bit. She was in a rush to leave so it was not the full conversation that was needed.

The next day I got messages on Facebook from the mom. She gave me a whole song and dance on why B behaves the way she does. She also blamed the dad and his behavior on the way she acts. I listened to her and when the conversation got awkward, I just gave her vague answers. I told Beth about the conversation and she was floored. We talked and we really think that IF everything that the girl was saying was true, she really needs to be in therapy and to talk to someone. She said she was so angry she shakes and that she can not control what she does.  These are all signs of a child needed help.

Beth and I decided that we needed to talk to our council rep for answers. We needed direction on where to go from here since the mom wanted nothing to do with it. What were our options for if she did not follow our suggestions.

The first response that I got was to give her a few days and that she will talk it over with her boss and see what they could tell us to do.

In the mean time, we heard from A's mom who said that B left a message on their machine saying that "Before the end of the year, I will punch you in the face and tape your mouth shut. I hate you."

Which means that nothing had changed.

The conversation we had went in one year and out the other.

And all of a sudden I think I was played by a 10 year old girl. I realized that she is taking out her anger on getting in trouble on A. This has completely backfired.

A's mom said that there is no way she will come back if the other girl is in the troop.

We sent a message to B's mom that because things were still continuing and we were waiting on a response from our council rep, that we felt it was best that B did not come to the meeting that night. We needed time to figure out a plan of action.

I think that is when the mom just about lost her mind.

She told us fine then B wont come to any meetings anymore. She wanted to know what we were doing to punish A since she felt that B was being punished. She said that A is a very smart girl and had a way of holding a grudge.

What??? She is blaming the victim? Let me tell you that there is no way I was going to punish a child who is being bullied. You just don't do that. And it isn't like B is saying, you have cooties. She is threatening A with physical violence.

Did I step off the train into crazy town? How do you deal with an irrational parent? She then told me that she wished she could kill herself.

Are you freaking serious???

Eventually my council rep called me back. Her response made me really think that I was in crazy town. I explained the whole situation to her and she told me that she talked to her boss and the best thing they could tell me was to ask the school guidance councilor.

Seriously??? Call the guidance councilor??

She also said that since none of this was happening in the troop, we could not do anything about it. She asked us if we wanted to remove her from our troop and place her in another troop. I said no that there was only a few meetings left and the mom said that she wasn't going to bring her to meetings. There was not point in switching troops now. We would just finish the year. 

B's mom sent me a message saying that the dad wanted a meeting with both girls, both sets of parents and Beth and I. There was no way I was going to subject a victim to a meeting with her bully and her parents. Parents that do not think their child is wrong and that actually think that the VICTIM is to blame. Yeah so not happening. Plus we tried to have a meeting and she did not have time for us. I was so done with this that I did not want to have a meeting with the parents. I mean why, the mom wasn't bringing B to meetings anymore, she was only going to bring her to the troops trips. A's parents said that she would be back next year when B was no longer in the troop. Why did we need a meeting?

Beth and I decided to just let it blow over. B's dad was bringing her to our first troop trip and if he asked about what was going on we would deal with it then. The dad was super nice during the trip and did not bring anything up. We thought we were in the clear. Neither girl was going to be at meetings. We would deal with B at the last meeting for bridging and at camp and then she would be moving to a different school district and a different troop if they resigned up.

Que our next meeting. I was just about to get started with the meeting when B walked in with her mom. Beth was furious and I wasn't to happy either. I had a plan and purchased things for 4 girls. I was a little awkward and Beth got up and moved. She told me after the mom left if she would have stayed there she might have said something that she did not want to say.

We went through the meeting and everything was fine. When the mom came back in, things were awkward as Beth did not want to talk to her, but I did talk to her. When I got home, I had a message waiting from A's parents saying that officially A will not be involved in anything that B is involved with. There was still thing's going on at school, including B grabbing A and leaving fingernail marks on her arm.

As I was dealing with this, I got a message from B's mom asking why there was tension between us and her at pick up. And why did I like a post about bullying. (the one that has been going around where the dad got a restraining order against his 5 year old's bully)

Really??? Oh man. To which I responded, "I added Beth to the conversation because I feel it is best for us all to see the messages. She is my co-leader and needs to be included. Quiet honestly we are very upset by the way this whole thing is playing out. We were having a good year and this is a horrible way to end our year. I can like anything I want on my facebook page. I do not like the idea of kids picking on kids and to just get a message that A is completely our because things are still continuing is very off putting. I am a volunteer, not a councilor, and I have no idea how to handle a situation like this. I have never had a child quit because she was having anxiety over coming to a meeting because of another child! Surely you can understand why we are uncomfortable with the whole thing."

To which she responded with, "Fine we are out. I know when we aren't wanted" 

This all makes my head hurt. There is a lot more, I will post tomorrow.

Make new friends badge

Last night we worked on our Make New Friends badge. The girls were able to invite non scout friends to the meeting. Out of 7 of my scouts we had 4 friends show up. I think that is a great turn out.

We started the meeting with the law and the promise. We did a call and repeat style so the new girls would know what to say.

Then we played a game called "hey me too!" We stood in a circle... Ok my girls didn't want a circle, they wanted a square which turned in to a squishy square and in the end became known as a lemon bar. Idk, but these girls are creative and funny. Anyway, then I girl started and she would say, I love soccer and any girl who liked soccer would say hey me too. It went over really well and they were all giggling. In the end. Even the girl who was a little shy was getting into it.

Next I had purchased a parachute from Michaels, like the one from elementary school. We all grabbed a hold and I would call things about the girls. If I said girls with blue eyes, they would have to go under the chute and come up in a different spot. 

They were having so much funny. I was so happy it was going well. 

We moved into the kitchen and started to make our snack. I needed something quick easy and fun. I tend to really overdo things and run out of time, plus these other girls don't know me, so I definitely wanted something easy. I went with fruit salad. We used strawberries, grapes, bananas and pineapples. 

I had two girls wash the grapes. Two girls peeled and cut the bananas, two girls cut the strawberries. The pineapple was a bit harder because I forgot my corer, but Miss B got out the knife and we sliced it up. All the girls out the fruit in a bowl and we stirred and viola fruit salad.

While they were eating it was interesting to listen to what 3rd grade girls talk about. And I was so happy to see the girls spread out. A girl might have been invited by one girl but for snack she was sitting by another. Everyone was talking and laughing. 

We then cleaned up and had a craft. I got felt book markers from Michaels and stickers and they started to make them. All of a sudden the girls start singing "baby bumble bee". I love to hear girls singing.

We finished the meeting with the squeeze, the brownie song and make new friends. I think this meeting was a total success! This really was on point with what the badge was all about. We made new friends and even if all the girls did not have a friend show up, the new friends were very welcomed into the group and everyone had a good time.

Safety award/brownie first aid

This badge we did the first year but I wanted the girls to earn their safety awards. Good thing my #2 has a mom who is a nurse. Nurse Linda, as the girls called her, agreed to come in and talk to us about camp safety.

I was so happy about that because not only are we doing our troop came at Echo Trail this year but some girls will be camping every month till October! She went over some basic first aid but more importantly poisonous plants.

Now I grew up in the woods. My sister and I made playhouses in the trees. I spent my summers equally outside or in my room. I made it 33 years without getting poison ivy. The first time I got it I was at a festival and it clearly had posted to be aware of the poison ivy. Sat in a field listening to music and the next month was itchy as all heck. I swore I would never do that again.

Next year, I went to the same festival but avoided the ivy field. Still got it! This time it was worse and took a long time to heal.

I am going to the festival again this year, but hopefully my little brownie will be able to point out the plants before I get itchy!

The girls listened intently to her and asked a crazy amount of questions. Then we made small first aid kits for each girl to take to camp.

Making games

I think I got a glimpse of what Juniors will be. We have been working on our games. We divided the girls into two teams. Each team had to come up with a board game, design it and the rules and make it. It took them 3 weeks to do but they had to do it on there own, no help from me. The girls had a blast and it was so nice for me to not have to plan a meeting. First time in 4 years!

It's over!

Cookie season that is! Finally deposit went into the bank this week and our council will take its cut next week. 

What is it about cookies that stresses a leader out? But I am so glad that it is over. I call it a success because we will be able to go to camp and Reptile Land. The girls are so excited.

We have been working on our own board games at the meetings. This is for our making games badge. The girls are split into two groups and they have to make their own game, then play their game and switch with the other group and play their game. They are putting so much into this game. 

Last week we had a visitor to talk to the girls about first aid. Next week we are going to the local junior troop to do our bridging work.

Then best laid plans

I started off my scout year thinking, I will create this blog and post every week. I should have know better. I tend to get to involved in things and ideas like my blogs take the back seat.

My troop has been super busy and it is hard to believe that it is March and we are working towards the end of the year and bridging! I will create posts on our badge work in separate posts.

But I want to use this post to vent. It has been a rough few months. Not with my troop but with D.R.A.M.A. with another troop in the area.

I have heard that it is a problem everywhere but man it sucks. I have worked very hard to improve the view of the local community about scouting. When we started in Daisies, so many people would say, "We tried scouting but the kids were wild and parents just used it as an hour long baby sitting service." I did not want that for my troop. I wanted the girls to get the most out of scouting and to truly benefit from the community service.

The first year was horrible because of lack of support to a new leader.

The second year was drama because of infighting with the leader and parents, which lead to the leader stepping down and moving her daughter to a different troop.

Third year, I went from assistant leader to leader. Things were getting better until a crazy world- wind cookie season that divided our troop. The stress of selling over 4000 boxes of cookies with 9 girls was to much!

Finally this year, we had the idea. We have had an amazing group of girls and parents who let us do our thing. My new assistant is truly in the program to better the girls. We work well together and we are different enough to give the girls more variety but we still enjoy each other.

Our problem is with the other troop who originally started off as a 3rd grade brownie troop just like us.

Now we live in such a small area that there really is only about 100 kids in 3rd grade. The new troop was lead by our crazy  cookie mom from the last year.

I don't know why she left, but man am I glad that she did leave. It took all the stress about how my year would go away. I have my suspisions on why she left. I don't believe she liked that we were switching to a drop and go troop. I don't think she liked that I did not want her help. I dont think she liked when I said no men at camp. I think these are the reasons but I am not sure. All I know is that I am glad to be rid of her.

But she keeps popping into my life!

First she recruited girls from my troop who were no longer coming back due to other interests.One girl has soccer practice on scout night, one girl did not want to come back. She called parents up and asked them to join her troop and not mine.

I can not even begin to tell you how that hurt me, and it took me a while to get through to myself that it isn't about me or my numbers, at least the girls were still scouting.

Then came the Halloween parade and the news that a parent was run over by their float. WHAT??? Yes, her foot was run over causing her to need surgery on her foot. And the real kick in the pants was that none of the newly required paperwork was filed on the parade.

So council requires us to do a roster for insurance reasons, that troop leader does not fill out the form, takes the troop to something she doesn't have approval on, and THEN an injury happens. An injury SHE DID NOT REPORT! What happens to this woman.... Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

In November I found out that my former co-leader decided not to come back but to instead join her troop. I found out in the most horrible way possible. I saw on Facebook that she had joined this troops page. Nice! We were friends outside of scouts and to be told personally would have been nice. When asked what she was doing with her kids, she lied to me.

We learned that in order for this troop to hit sales goals, not only was she recruiting girls from 3rd grade but she was also recruiting daisy age girls. She had daisy girls under her brownie number and did not tell our council rep! In fact the service unit leader had no idea. I only found out about it when a parent asked if we were taking other age groups because a friend of hers had both her girls in one troop. What happened with that, oh they allowed her to keep two troops AND she was still given the big troop reward from selling fall product.

WHAT??? She not only recruited people from other troops but then LIED on registration forms and added girls on so she could hit the high numbers need for troop incentive. SHE BLATANTLY broke the rules and you gave her the reward she broke the rules for?? How is that teaching girls to be "honest and fair"???

In early January I start to get messages from that troops former leader who was in charge of the troops nut sales. She starts to tell me all these horrible things about the troop and ends with, I want to join your troop. Look I will never turn down a girl especially if they are being mistreated by an adult. Just because you are having issues with the parent, you do not take it out on the kid.

After talking with my assistant, we agreed to bring her over to our troop. This all happened right before cookie season. I did not want this troop leader to go all nuts so I asked the mom to not inform them that the daughter was coming to my troop. Honestly I didn't want to hear it. Why invite drama?

This little girl is loving our troop and she fits in so well. Her first meeting she ran over to her mom and said she didn't want to leave and that they never did anything like that in the other troop! That made us feel so good. Because at least we are doing what is right by those we are supposed to be serving, the GIRLS.

My assistant and I went where we shouldn't and were catty. We giggled and said, there is no way they will make it through cookie season in tact!

Queue cookie season.....

We start hearing that a troop has already been selling the presale cookies since Decemeber. Big no no.

We try to set up cookie booth areas, they have already been claimed for weeks, another no-no.

It just seemed like we were banging our heads on walls. The Cookie manager could not do anything because there was no solid proof. The grocery store only had it listed as Girl Scouts. The people who bought cookies could tell us the names of who they ordered from but there was no proof. We needed solid proof not just hear say that looked like we were out to get this rival troop.

In the mean time, my kids started to participate in the Odyssey of the Mind program with my service unit managers daughter. We were getting little bits of information all the time.

Like that troop ordered 5000 boxes to start the booth season with.

Like the troop had set up cookie booths in areas where council had already set up booths. Even after the cookie manager denied the booths, the leader called council and complained and they let her have them.

The pick up of cookies was nasty and ugly between leaders of the troop.

Girls were being removed from booths they signed up for to make room for girls the leader liked better.

I went into the grocery store and a mom says to me that she was told to "rethink her daughters involvement in the troop" when the mom told the leader that they were not going to sell at booths.

Found out and had pictures from 2 booths were there was not enough people at. Council says you must have 2 parents and 2 girls at booths. One booth was just a parent and the other one was a parent and daughter.

But nothing is being done about this from council.

She is being aloud to carry on because she is a P.I.T.A. and no one wants to deal with her. She is not a good role model for the girls and yet, nothing is changing!

I am so frustrated at this point. And disappointed with our council. I feel like they are letting her get away with this because of both high troop sales and high numbers of girls in the troop. When we confronted our rep about this all she would say is that we wont have to deal with it next year.

What does that mean???

This woman wont get a troop??? Or she wont be doing cookies???

What about the girls stuck in this situation?

What about the girl who over hears that their troop leader wants her gone because her cookie sales aren't good enough??

What about the girls who are being shown the WRONG way to run their cookie business??? What does that teach them???

What about the girls who don't want to go to scouting anymore because they do not do anything but go on trips?

Who is looking out for these girls??

I am so thankful that this is not in my troop. I am so happy that I have an amazing group of girls and parents. But I hate that all the hard work of those who really are passionate about scouts is turned to garbage by those like this woman. If that was your troop would you bring your girl back for another year? There is no way in hell I would, that is for sure.

Halloween Parade

We participated in two Halloween Parades this year and the costumes came out wonderfully. I had to do a bit of the work myself because I canceled a meeting due to family issues. Each box had a picture of the girls doing something at a Girl Scout function.

The first parade was at night, and I don't have any pictures of them! We bought 30 dollars in candy and would you believe that they threw out all that candy in about 2 blocks. And we had about 10 blocks left to walk.

A little girls brother and my son held the banner. I love when the brothers help out.

And the girls walked great. It was a bit chilly and it was a bit of walking, but there was not a complaint among them. I just love these girls!

We did not win or place in this parade, but that was OK as long as they had a good time.

Then we did a parade in our home town on Saturday morning. The weather was fabulous and the girls were in such a good mood. They stayed together and walked so well.

At the end of the parade, they stood before the judges and rocked the Promise in sign language.

We ended up winning first place inn the group category!

We are hoping that they won enough to help them go to a reptile zoo.