What to do with a bully in your troop.

This is the story of a bully in my troop and the ineffectual advice given by my council. I am writing this in hopes that if you have to deal with this in your own troop, you will know that you are not alone.

In this day in age, the word bully gets used a lot and it tends to be the catch word for anytime a child is picking on another child. This generation's buzz word. A lot of times, it is just the same picking on and name calling that we have all lived through. This time it is not simple kids stuff.

This one child in my troop stopped coming. We will call her A. It was odd, because she always seemed to have such a good time. She had joined our troop with her friend, who we will call B.

When we reached out to the parents we found out the truth in why she was not coming. B had been picking on her and A did not want to deal with it out scouts.

Then I asked the question that changed our troop, "Well what is going on?"

Turns out, this hasn't been going on for a few days or weeks, but has been ongoing for years! At a certain point, A forgave B and tried to be her friend, but then B got super possessive.

We had seen this possessiveness in the beginning of the troop year when we tried to separate the girls and B got strange. She was glaring at A's partner and being very aggressive with her own partner. We had to keep saying to her that she needed to stay with the partner she had and work together. We told both parents about this and chalked it up to best friends learning to be with other kids.

After that time, each time we seperated the girls, it was less and less of a reaction. We thought that it was working out.

In February we talked about bullying and B explained to us all that she used to bully A and that she asked for forgiveness and now they were friends. We thought that this was a huge step that she was taking responsibility for what she had done and was moving forward. We were so impressed with this that we had mentioned it when we met with our council rep. (remember how she was supposed to be trained in October, yeah she got trained in MARCH!!)

Anyway, there was ongoing issues between the girls at school and because the parents were friends, B's mom asked A's mom to just tell her when things happened instead of going to the school.

A's mom unloaded what could only be years of frustrations over this other child's behavior to her kid. I listened to her and being that my own child has dealt with this child's bad behavior I was very sympathetic. When it finally came to a boiling point, A decided she did not want to spend any extra time under B's possessiveness. I told the parent's that I understood and that we would try to talk to B and her mother and see if there was a way we could at least get A comfortable enough to come back to meetings. We promised that A would not be paired up with B. We asked that the mom drop her off right when the meeting was starting so that there was no down time where the two girls would interact with each other. We figured that we would just step in anytime B was near A and we could just make it through the year and we would find a different troop for B in September.

A agreed that if B would leave her alone and we can protect her, that she would come back to the troop. This was great news. So I sent a message to B's mom and told her that we needed to talk to her and her daughter before our meeting.

Then the mom did the most..... I still can not put it into words.... strangest thing a parent could do. She told us that she did not have time for this and that if there was a issue we could talk to B on our own and deal with the problem ourselves.

What????

You don't want to be involved in your child's life? She did something wrong and you DON'T want to be part of the solution??? I have never heard of that. Why would someone not meet with us to fix a problem. She was already dropping off the child, so why would she not have 5 minutes to spare to talk to us.

This made my co-leader so angry! I was not pleased in anyway, but I still had to talk to the girl. Beth lead the girls and I talked to B in the kitchen area of our meeting room.

The little girl listened to me and told me that she gets so angry she shakes. She cried and said that she hated when her dad and step mother yell at her. That her dad says mean things. I almost cried listening to her because it was a heartbreaking story. I told her that she needed to leave A alone. No more calls, no more yelling at her at school, to just leave her alone. I also told her that when she is mad that it is a good idea to write in a journal about what is making her feel that way, that sometimes you can write what you can not say.

B agreed and I talked to the mom a little bit. She was in a rush to leave so it was not the full conversation that was needed.

The next day I got messages on Facebook from the mom. She gave me a whole song and dance on why B behaves the way she does. She also blamed the dad and his behavior on the way she acts. I listened to her and when the conversation got awkward, I just gave her vague answers. I told Beth about the conversation and she was floored. We talked and we really think that IF everything that the girl was saying was true, she really needs to be in therapy and to talk to someone. She said she was so angry she shakes and that she can not control what she does.  These are all signs of a child needed help.

Beth and I decided that we needed to talk to our council rep for answers. We needed direction on where to go from here since the mom wanted nothing to do with it. What were our options for if she did not follow our suggestions.

The first response that I got was to give her a few days and that she will talk it over with her boss and see what they could tell us to do.

In the mean time, we heard from A's mom who said that B left a message on their machine saying that "Before the end of the year, I will punch you in the face and tape your mouth shut. I hate you."

Which means that nothing had changed.

The conversation we had went in one year and out the other.

And all of a sudden I think I was played by a 10 year old girl. I realized that she is taking out her anger on getting in trouble on A. This has completely backfired.

A's mom said that there is no way she will come back if the other girl is in the troop.

We sent a message to B's mom that because things were still continuing and we were waiting on a response from our council rep, that we felt it was best that B did not come to the meeting that night. We needed time to figure out a plan of action.

I think that is when the mom just about lost her mind.

She told us fine then B wont come to any meetings anymore. She wanted to know what we were doing to punish A since she felt that B was being punished. She said that A is a very smart girl and had a way of holding a grudge.

What??? She is blaming the victim? Let me tell you that there is no way I was going to punish a child who is being bullied. You just don't do that. And it isn't like B is saying, you have cooties. She is threatening A with physical violence.

Did I step off the train into crazy town? How do you deal with an irrational parent? She then told me that she wished she could kill herself.

Are you freaking serious???

Eventually my council rep called me back. Her response made me really think that I was in crazy town. I explained the whole situation to her and she told me that she talked to her boss and the best thing they could tell me was to ask the school guidance councilor.

Seriously??? Call the guidance councilor??

She also said that since none of this was happening in the troop, we could not do anything about it. She asked us if we wanted to remove her from our troop and place her in another troop. I said no that there was only a few meetings left and the mom said that she wasn't going to bring her to meetings. There was not point in switching troops now. We would just finish the year. 

B's mom sent me a message saying that the dad wanted a meeting with both girls, both sets of parents and Beth and I. There was no way I was going to subject a victim to a meeting with her bully and her parents. Parents that do not think their child is wrong and that actually think that the VICTIM is to blame. Yeah so not happening. Plus we tried to have a meeting and she did not have time for us. I was so done with this that I did not want to have a meeting with the parents. I mean why, the mom wasn't bringing B to meetings anymore, she was only going to bring her to the troops trips. A's parents said that she would be back next year when B was no longer in the troop. Why did we need a meeting?

Beth and I decided to just let it blow over. B's dad was bringing her to our first troop trip and if he asked about what was going on we would deal with it then. The dad was super nice during the trip and did not bring anything up. We thought we were in the clear. Neither girl was going to be at meetings. We would deal with B at the last meeting for bridging and at camp and then she would be moving to a different school district and a different troop if they resigned up.

Que our next meeting. I was just about to get started with the meeting when B walked in with her mom. Beth was furious and I wasn't to happy either. I had a plan and purchased things for 4 girls. I was a little awkward and Beth got up and moved. She told me after the mom left if she would have stayed there she might have said something that she did not want to say.

We went through the meeting and everything was fine. When the mom came back in, things were awkward as Beth did not want to talk to her, but I did talk to her. When I got home, I had a message waiting from A's parents saying that officially A will not be involved in anything that B is involved with. There was still thing's going on at school, including B grabbing A and leaving fingernail marks on her arm.

As I was dealing with this, I got a message from B's mom asking why there was tension between us and her at pick up. And why did I like a post about bullying. (the one that has been going around where the dad got a restraining order against his 5 year old's bully)

Really??? Oh man. To which I responded, "I added Beth to the conversation because I feel it is best for us all to see the messages. She is my co-leader and needs to be included. Quiet honestly we are very upset by the way this whole thing is playing out. We were having a good year and this is a horrible way to end our year. I can like anything I want on my facebook page. I do not like the idea of kids picking on kids and to just get a message that A is completely our because things are still continuing is very off putting. I am a volunteer, not a councilor, and I have no idea how to handle a situation like this. I have never had a child quit because she was having anxiety over coming to a meeting because of another child! Surely you can understand why we are uncomfortable with the whole thing."

To which she responded with, "Fine we are out. I know when we aren't wanted" 

This all makes my head hurt. There is a lot more, I will post tomorrow.